


Before the Ice Cracks

by bellyboohoo



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Anxious Thoughts, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Depression, Depressive Thoughts, Disassociation, Drama, Gen, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mild Cursing, Overdose, Romance, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Katsuki Yuuri, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27701743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellyboohoo/pseuds/bellyboohoo
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING(S): Depression, Depressive Thoughts, Disassociation, Social Anxiety, Anxiety, Anxious Thoughts, Anxiety Attack(s), Attempted Suicide, Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, OverdoseCONTENT WARNING(S): Mild cursingYuuri thought that his time had come. He'd hit rock bottom, his career was being flushed down the toilet, and his parents' and country's disappointment rested on his shoulders in the form of a heavy and hearty weight. Upon the arrival of Victor Nikiforov in his family's onsen, he questions if maybe fate has different plans for him and thinks he can hold on for just a bit longer."But the ice is melting, and it's only a matter of time before it breaks beneath you."----Disclaimer: This fanfiction will follow the events of the anime. I will be making minor changes as I go. I do not own or take credit for Yuri!! on Ice.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Victor Nikiforov & Yuri Plisetsky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Before the Ice Cracks

The cheers of fans around the arena rose and fell in Katsuki Yuuri's ears. Of course, their cheers weren't for him but for the competitors he'd so badly lost to that still stood on the ice before him.

Sniffling slightly, Yuuri turned and walked out of the arena. He'd long since lost his coach, Celestino, who'd gone to check on his other skaters. Though, he guessed he couldn't blame the man for giving up on him. Who'd want to be known for coaching such a failure? Yuuri would even go as far as to say he wouldn't coach himself if he was presented the opportunity.

Twisting around random passersby, the ravenette slowly but surely found his way to the men's bathroom. Choosing an unassuming stall, Yuuri sat upon the closed toilet seat, pulled out his phone, and carefully typed in his mother's number. He waited as the call rang, the sound blurring into background noise.

Her voice pulled him back to the present. "Hello? Mom, were you sleeping? Sorry," he said, downcast and knowing he was bothering her. "Oh, you were watching TV? Huh, a public viewing? Please, I'm so embarrassed!" A dead laugh fell from his lips as he listened to her speak. Just once, he wished that he didn't feel as though he were a burden, that he wasn't the world's best example of a failure.

His lips quiver as tears fill his eyes. Somewhere in the background, he heard the sound of the bathroom door pushing open, but he paid it no attention. He drops his head, desperately attempting to hold the sob in his throat. "I'm sorry. I messed up." The phone drops into his lap, and he half-heartedly pushes the end call button. No longer worried about his mother, he releases the cry, albeit silently.

 _The entire world watched me fail today. THE ENTIRE WORLD,_ he thought to himself. His glasses began to fog up from his quick panting, hands shaking as he desperately tried to dry up the falling tears. _I let everyone in Hasetsu, everyone is Japan down. What good am I at an event like this if I can't even do what I've been training f--_

The sudden slamming against his stall door pulled him from his thoughts, wrestling him to focus. Quickly, he cleaned himself up the best he could in ten seconds. He pried open the stall door, fully expecting the person to have chosen a different stall. Instead, he was met with the most popular, Russian Junior Figure Skater Yuri Plisetsky.

 _Oh god,_ he thought to himself. _What's he doing here?_ Sucking in a deep breath, Yuri cast his eyes downward and attempted to quell his shaking body. "Sorry..." He wasn't sure what he was apologizing for exactly, but in that moment, he felt he owed it to the younger skater.

The blonde, however, was not amused. _The "Russian Punk" is looking at me like I'm a piece of trash!_

The younger skater grunts, swinging a finger up to point at the ravenette in front of him. " _Hey._ I'm competing in the _senior_ division next year. We don't need _two_ Yuris in the same bracket. Incompetents like you should just retire already." The blonde moved closer, uncaring of how nervous and anxious the taller man had become. "Moron!"

The ravenette watches as he leaves, hands tucked in his jacket pockets and shoulders hunched over. He only lets himself breathe when the door swished closed behind the blonde. Yuri looks down, new tears replacing the ones he'd previously wiped away.

_Even if I did leave the sport, there'd be tons of talented, young skaters rising through the ranks that could take my place._

* * *

Yuri found himself facing an unknowing decision as he prepared to leave the venue. Would he stay, continue to skate, and suffer even more mentally? Or would he go home, kiss his family goodbye, and finally end it all? He was leaning toward the latter.

 _I don't want to... leave,_ he thought to himself. _I just don't want to hurt anymore._

"Katsuki-kun!"

The call of his name pulled him from his thoughts. He turned. "Newscaster Morooka..."

The man glared at him, hands bunched into angry fists. "Don't give up! It's too early for you to retire!"

"It's not like I've made a decision," he lied. "Please don't make assumptions."

"What will you do after you graduate from college?"

At this point, Yuri tuned the newscaster out. He'd been asked all these same questions before, seen the judgment and disappointment in people's eyes as they attempted to pull answers from him.

"Will you still train in Detroit?"

 _No._ "I'll be talking that over with Coach Celestino," he halfheartedly answered instead.

His eyes caught on a brown figure on the other side of the room's large ceiling-to-floor windows. A poodle, looking to only be a few months old. His heart ached in his chest as he thought about his own dog Vicchan.

"Katsuki-kun! I'm asking how you feel about this!"

His lips pull into a darker frown, eyes squeezing shut in an attempt to hold the forming tears in. "I don't want to think right now."

But Morooka persisted, much to the Japanese skater's chagrain. "Will you keep going."

His eyes refocused on the poodle, the woman beginning to walk away. He could've sworn the puppy's eyes had met his own, if for just a second.

_I'm sorry, Vicchan._

"Maybe just part-time? You'll still have a chance in Japan!"

The ravenette sharply inhaled. _I wish he'd just stop talking already._

"Sorry, I can't go home." _I can't see the disappointment in Mom's eyes, can't listen to Dad and Mari's badgering over helping the family. I just can't do it._

" _Yuri._ "

The man turned, unsure of who'd called his name in the midst of Morooka's annoying persistence. He found Viktor Nikiforov instead, not calling to him but to the blonde that had cornered him in the bathroom just an hour earlier.

 _Of course,_ he thought. _Why would he ever call to me? I doubt he even knows who I am._

"About your free performance, the step sequence could use some more—"

Plisetsky threw his head back, annoyance clear across his features. "I won, so who cares? Quit nagging, Viktor."

_I'd rather have someone nag me than have to face another loss again. How lucky he must be._

Their coach, Yakov, snapped in that moment. "Hey, Yuri! You can’t talk that way forever!"

_If I'd ever gotten the chance, I would've liked to—_

The silver-haired man turned to him, their eyes meeting. Yuri gasped. It was like staring into a beautiful, blue sky. Not a cloud in sight, just that gorgeous blue illuminating. And the smile that adorned them...

"Would you like to take a photo? Sure thing!"

 _Of course,_ Yuri turned away. _He doesn't know who I am. Just thinks I'm another fan._

Unknowingly to the ravenette, the Russian champion frowned suddenly at his departure.

Morooka chose that moment to speak up again. "Katsuki-kun! You don't want a photo with Viktor?"

"Yuri!" His coach called.

 _I'm so tired._ The door slammed shut behind him.


End file.
